Game Journalists Are Incompetent Fuckwits: Archive

Game Journalists Are Incompetent Fuckwits

April 2010

81 posts

“Some man went to someplace and met the man who created Earthworm Jim. The man...”

– Destructoid: Rumor: Earthworm Jim 4 coming to Wii [April 29th, 2010] There is a small, cynical part of my brain that wonders if Destructoid writer Jonathan Holmes put this paragraph of horse manure into his article purely to bait me. Of course, it’s far more likely that he hammered each key...

GamesRadar quiz: Whose bra is this? →

WHY IS THIS A THING? WHY. IS THIS. A THING?

“Star Trek was released in February, and it has Klingons, Tribbles, and the Borg.”

– VG247: Star Trek Online will not get a sequel, says Cryptic [April 29th, 2010] Yes, VG247 really did feel it was necessary to tell us that Star Trek Online has Klingons in it.

"GamesRadar makes shit character in 3D Dot Game... →

I don’t know if you’re trying to be funny, and frankly I don’t care. This is shit. It certainly shouldn’t be categorized as “PS3 News”. What a bunch of fucking rocket surgeons.

Joystiq think the extended version of the Halo:... →

It’s 2 minutes 50 seconds. Have some fucking patience.

“I always thought [the in-game music] was just some fancy sounds BioWare used to...”

– Destructoid: Music from Dragon Age to be performed at Joystick 3.0 [April 29th, 2010] Because, y’know, in-game music doesn’t matter, right? My first girlfriend was a bit of a gamer. I say “a bit of a gamer” because her interest in videogames pretty much revolved entirely...

“When I buy a book, I am effectively buying water (the content) and a bucket (the...”

– Rob Donoghue, in the comments at Terrible Minds (via deadlyfredly) (via terribleminds) (via wordstudio) (via jaybushman) This actually rather aptly sums up the videogame industry as well. GameStop are shitting themselves because people can download games directly to their PCs and consoles now. Not...

“So here we go: I think Totec, Lara’s Mayan buddy, could be sexier....”

– Destructoid: Lara Croft and the Guardian of Light has a long title, fe [April 28th, 2010] Games are all about sexiness! Sexiness and little else! Totec isn’t a sexy enough dude, but it’s alright because he got woken up by a sexy adventure who looks sexy and is the sex. Sex! Sex?

“We know a new Red Faction title is on the way, but now we know it could...”

– Destructoid: THQ looks at Red Faction’s ‘origin’ and ‘armageddon’ [April 29th, 2010] That’s clever, Destructoid. Hey, you should include a sentence like this in every gaming news article you write! Here, let me have a go. “The latest Cooking Mamma game...

Kotaku posts a list of movies about videogames... →

No. Just no. The Wizard was a terrible piece of film that served no purpose other than to advertise Super Mario Bros. 3. You insult us all when you include it on this list, Bashcraft. It’s a shame too, because the rest of the films on the list are pretty good.

“[Bioshock is] certainly the company’s most viable franchise to pin an MMO...”

– Kotaku: Rumor: BioShock, The MMO [April 15th, 2010] The tabloids already get pissy about being able to slaughter prostitutes offline.

“Microsoft’s European Xbox LIVE dude Daniel Mahrer (think Major Nelson with...”

– Destructoid: ‘Latest’ batch of Game Room games hit with delay [April 28th, 2010] To everyone who originally hails from outside the US (which is, let’s be frank here Destructoid, a fucking lot of people) Major “Will Help A Customer In Trouble If It’ll Give Me Good...

'Technical problems' halt FF5/6 for DS →

“Development of the DS ports of Final Fantasy V and VI have been halted because of technical problems! Oh no!” “Wait, no, shut up. Did SquareEnix ever announce they were making these games? I mean yeah, the tweet in question suggests that there were but I don’t recall anyone saying anything previously ab—” “THE DEVELOPMENT HAS BEEN HALTED. DO YOU SEE....

Olivia Munn wears leather boots to PETA event →

This is kind of a new transcendental level of Incompetent Fuckwittery on the part of a game journalist. Munn, who I suppose could be considered a game journalist depending on where you stand, turned up at a PETA anti-fur event wearing leather boots. PETA have an anti-leather website. Of course, PETA didn’t raise an issue with the boots because Munn was a guest at the event and has appeared...

“Certainly, the Wii doesn’t feel like it should be home to such a niche...”

– Joystiq: Hands-on: Sin and Punishment: Star Successor (co-op) [April 28th, 2010] A reader sent this Joystiq quote my way, adding, “Let’s talk outdated perception of a console audience in our hands on impressions. It will be ever so much fun!” Well said.

GamesRadar decide to fill precious webspace with a... →

Lovely. Great. Thanks. GamesRadar. What would I have done without this? I mean, y’know, besides looking it up on Bulbapedia.

“Terry Goodkind’s hardest witch, a swell gal named Nicci, always wears...”

– Destructoid: US black Wii bundle Gamestop poster revealed [April 28th, 2010] Goddamn hardware manufacturers, always using the colour of their consoles to make secret statements. Did you know that the pink Nintendo DSi is a bold yet subtle statement about the situation in Iraq, or that the limited...

“Further joy comes from the music – two multi-track jukeboxes appear, and amongst...”

– Rock, Paper, Shotgun: L4D2 - The Passing: Impressions Part 2 [April 28th, 2010] It’s “Re: Your Brains”, and it was in the game already (it’s one of the songs that can play at random when you activate a Jukebox). I’ve a high enough opinion of Rock, Paper, Shotgun to...

“Over on the French site LiveWii, a scan of the cover of the French Nintendo...”

– VG247: Red Steel 3 revealed, uses Vitality Sensor [April 28th, 2010] Yes! We know this to be fact because it came from an English interview translated into French and then translated back into English! FACT.

Every caption in GamesRadar's "Halo Reach: Birth... →

“[Polaroid getting into the game accessory business is] a random decision, but,...”

– - Kotaku: Polaroid Gets Into The Video Game Business [April 28th, 2010] The Street Fighter IV fightsticks would like a word with you, Mr Plunkett.

“Sims 3 announced for consoles: PC owners pout… probably”

– - GamesRadar [April 27th, 2010] Why the fuck would PC owners pout because a PC game is coming out for games consoles? PC gamers traditionally do not give a pair of fetid dingo’s kidneys if a PC game makes the leap to another system. That sort of mentally is usually reserved for that special...

“Look, bullying is obviously a serious issue, but the idea of a video game that...”

– Gizmodo: Anti-Bullying Video Game Could Do More Harm Than Good [April 27th, 2010] With Kotaku being oddly devoid of retardation today, fellow Gawker blog Gizmodo has stepped up to the plate with this particularly inspired piece of cerebral bankruptcy.

“EA has said in the past that it plans to release fewer third-party games so that...”

– VG247: Electronic Arts is number 494 on Fortune 500 [April 27th, 2010] Respawn Entertainment is being funded through the EA Partners program but isn’t part of EA Games itself. That’d make it third party, or possibly second party depending on how the EA Partners program is structured. ...

“Joshua” said he tied the [Pokéwalker] to his girlfriend’s…ah forget it.”

– UGO: How to Cheat Your Pokewalker: More Tips [April 27th, 2010] Riveting.

“The Wii version [of The Sims 3] will be getting an exclusive beach town full of...”

– Destructoid: Sims 3 heading to consoles this Fall [April 27th, 2010] Really? Really.

“Remember that sweet black Wii that Japan was able to purchase last summer? You...”

– - Destructoid: Black Wii may be arriving in North America soon [April 27th, 2010] Are Destructoid joking? I don’t know! But as a Brit who had to wait four years for Nintendo of Europe to release Animal Crossing on the GameCube, extend a hale ‘n’ hearty Fuck You™ to Destructoid,...

Clever writer at Games Radar notices that some... →

Waste of bandwidth? Nah, course not.

UGO asks whether the Goldeneye domain Activision... →

…casually forgetting that Activision is, in fact, neither of these companies and wouldn’t technically be allowed to make a sequel to either one. Also casually forgetting that Activision is a shower of dunces and in all likelihood bought up the domain so if anyone Googles for “goldeneye game” they find GoldeneyeGame.com, which is actually a cunning ruse to point them towards...

“So… isn’t the world of gaming pretty fucked up? Firstly, any old...”

– Oh, this is hilarious. If you don’t know who Surfer Girl is, “she” was supposedly an industry insider who let rip a ton of leaks on her blog up until 2008 when he/she/it decided to stop posting. The Surfer Girl blog seemed to wise fwom the gwave on Saturday with the news that...

GamesIndustry.biz interview guy from Sumo, post...

GamesIndustry.biz posted this fantastic interview with Paul Porter of Sumo Digital who is working on the new episodic Doctor Who adventure games for the BBC. Then they chopped up the interview, rearranged it, and turned it into this article full of quotes, because apparently they don’t have enough content on their site. Or something.

“On April 19, sister site Gizmodo.com broke the exclusive news that Apple has...”

– - Possibility of Criminal Charges Over New iPhone [April 26th, 2010] No, what they did was break exclusive news of what the new iPhone looked like. I don’t think there’s a single tech-savvy person on the planet who didn’t already suspect Apple were working on a new iPhone....

Kotaku shows us some awesome soap, and then... →

Then again, why you’d want to use and ruin these is beyond me. And if that’s the point, why not just stick a real Super Nintendo cartridge in the dish in your guest bathroom? Fuck off, Owen Good.

UGO think that people want to read articles about... →

And the Companion Cube comes… wait, second?

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Previously I was letting GJAIF posts propagate to my personal Twitter feed, but now it stands alone. Feel free to follow the site’s Twitter feed.

“All four Oddworld titles are still slated for Steam this year, he wrote, and all...”

– - VG247: Oddworld games still coming to PC in 2010 [April 24th, 2010] Actually, Abe’s Oddysee and Abe’s Exoddus hit a number of PC digital distribution platforms last year including Steam and Good Old Games. There’s only two Oddworld games left to hit the PC. One again, you lose.

io9 post makes it onto Kotaku by mistake →

Oh, wait. No. Sorry. Looks like Bashcraft forgot that Kotaku is a gaming blog. Sigh. I wish this blog did more than bash (ha!) Kotaku.

“Avatar is the biggest grossing movie of all time. It’s video game version...”

– - Kotaku: Why Did The Avatar Game Fail? [April 23rd, 2010] It’s a video game licensed from a movie. Licensed games are almost universally bad. Gamers know better by now, and a few good titles over the past few years (such as Batman: Arkham Asylum, Spider-Man 2 and - yes, I’m going to...

Kotaku's article on "One Piece" localization is a... →

This link was submitted to us (yaaay!) by KBKarma, who writes: First, Kotaku is supposed to be primarily about gaming (according to Wiki, anyway). Second, 4Kids localised One Piece, yes. And yes, they did some incredible things to it (no blood, no cigarettes, feared pirates using WATER-PISTOLS, for God’s sake), as seen...

The first item listed in Kotaku's "Five Fresh... →

Despite the fact that the game hasn’t come out yet and won’t be out until next year, it has apparently already changed the way we’ve played every Bionic Commando game ever since. The other examples in this list are good, Mike. I mean it. It’s a good list. But starting this list with a new feature being added to a game that isn’t even finished yet does strike me as...

Kim Kardashian has a Kim Kardashian Xbox 360... →

…which qualifies gaming news, if you’re a Kotaku staff writer. Sigh. I was rather hoping I could get through the whole day posting only one example of shitty videogame journalism. Well done, Brian. Well done.

This is not gaming news. →

Best guess: Either Gawker Media or Luke Plunkett have a stake in this app’s success. Worst guess: Luke Plunkett is a terrible, terrible journalist. It’s probably the second one.

I spend a lot of time linking to Kotaku. That’s fair enough, I reckon, because their understanding of journalistic standards is somewhat akin to a dog’s understanding of quantum mechanics. We occasionally share links from GameSpot, GameSpy, and so on, but I’d very much like to broaden the horizons of this blog a little. I’d like to encourage you to send me links, scans and...