Game Journalists Are Incompetent Fuckwits: Archive

Game Journalists Are Incompetent Fuckwits

August 2010

194 posts

False Alarm Evactuates Otakon 2010: The Game →

Intern Ridiculous Name checks in again. (Post updated to amend the location of the con, which is Baltimore. Of course it’s Baltimore.) In a shocking turn of events, Owen Good’s article brings us news of an unprecedented display of innovation and ingenuity by the Anime-enthusiast public. Recounting the tale of a false fire alarm pulled at Boston Baltimore Anime convention...

Destructoid's Matthew Razak can't stay on... →

Intern Ridiculous Name Here isn’t quite as ridiculous as the thing he’s writing about. Hello world! Ridiculous Name Here…here. When this article first reared its ugly head on my RSS feed, I was ready to take it to task as an example of the all-too-standard coverage of celebrity interaction with video games. Then I read it, and things got significantly worse. And by things, I...

July 2010

184 posts

Michael McWhertor LOVES STARCRAFT 2 WOOOOOOO →

Intern Scoggins files this report: I’m not going to belabor this; compared to the crimes against journalism committed every day in the name of the Unholy K this is relatively small potatoes. Firstly, the lead-in of: Real-time tactics evolve with StarCraft II: Wings of Liberty, Blizzard’s long in the making sequel to one of the most beloved, bestselling sci-fi strategy games of all...

Misleading headline AND it's not news! →

Introducing Intern Nretni. He will redrum you in your peels. At special K, all you need to do is copy and paste, take some quotes out of context, add a misleading, ambiguous headline, and you’ve got a story! Let’s compare: Videogamer’s headline: “10 million sales is BioWare’s new target” Kotaku’s headline “Mass Effect Studio Needs To Sell 10...

I started this blog way back in March, and then wrote about it on my personal blog in April, a month later. Earlier today, however, this comment was posted on that blog entry: You’ve got a great site there and I applaud you for it, but have you ever considered the quality of the comments that typically get posted to videogame websites? For every intelligent gamer such as yourself, there are...

Footballer playing Halo is not news. →

Intern Mighty Max says… This post was fucking tagged ‘news’. Is it really news that Microsoft has managed to get a footballer and some other ‘celebrities’ to play Halo for publicity? Eurogamer, you should be better than this.

Ben Dutka is mad and he's NOT GONNA TAKE IT... →

Note: PSX Extreme’s advertising tends to screw up a little when Google Cached. If banner ads obscure the text you can read the text-only version here. Anyway, here’s Intern Scoggins with some things he wanted to say about BDum-kah. I’m glad Ben Dutka treats PSX Extreme as his own personal sounding board, since it really ensures the site could never be taken seriously. Dutka...

Special K just reviewed a bag of fucking potato... →

I can’t… the words won’t… gaaaaAAAAAAARGBBLGRLRRLRLERWSDFVFVFFFFPPPHPHHHHL.

Games Thirst sure do loves them some misleading... →

Note: Games Thirst’s article doesn’t seem to be on Google Cache yet, so clicking that link to their site will give them PRECIOUS PRECIOUS PAGEVIEWS. You have been warned. The headline: Remedy Got “Bored” Of Alan Wake And, from the body of the article (emphasis mine): When asked how many revisions did they make to the game’s original story, and if they ever worried that the...

Celebrity likes game.

Both GamesRadar and Kotaku are excited by the fact that Inception star Joseph Gordon-Levitt likes Street Fighter II. Holy shit! He’s a person, like you or me!

There's an Interesting Conversation happening in... →

And here it is: Posted: Jul 29th 2010 2:10PM Gihren said: First, Mr. Grant - assigning this review to someone who was in the multiplayer Beta is a breach. Allen Cook clearly had his opinion set about this game a long time ago. Reviews should be written by someone who is new to a game, as fresh as can be, such that they can make a fresh judgment. Using an author who was predisposed to love...

“Disclaimer: The preceding review is based on an event organized and paid for by...”

– Joystiq: Review: Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2 [November 10th, 2009] Or, as our anonymous tipster puts it, “we’re waiving our ethics because it’s Modern Warfare 2.” Fun fact: this is Joystiq’s “Ethics Policies” page. I guess they’ll write about...

“Lordy! Another Worms game already?”

– Joystiq: Worms Reloaded tunneling ‘exclusively’ to PC on August 26 [July 29th, 2010] What do you mean “already”? The last Worms game to come out was Worms 2: Armageddon for the Xbox 360 which came out on July 1st, 2009. The next game is coming out on August 26th, 2010....

Joystiq’s StarCraft II review - Reader Opinions #4

This one is a little longer and touches upon the comments I added to the bottom of the previous reader’s email. I’ve been following the informative set of opinion pieces about Joystiq’s alarmingly early review of StarCraft II, but there’s been a trend in them to suggest that the reviewer had been ‘bought’ in some way. This is something I read a lot from...

“[Joystiq’s Allen Cook has] been playing the [StarCraft II] beta for months...”

– It bears repeating. Joystiq’s review of StarCraft II was written by a man who, at time of writing (that is to say, right fucking now) hasn’t actually completed the game he fucking reviewed. He’s still playing the campaign! He could be playing it right now for all we know.

Joystiq's StarCraft II review - Reader Opinions #3

A short and sweet one that arrived in my inbox this morning. I think the situation with the StarCraft II review on Joystiq is a really disgusting example of how easily some people can be bought. The person who “reviewed” it obviously had no intention of ever actually reviewing the product. He’s been playing the beta for months and raving about it and today on a site that he...

Misleading headline is... uh... damn. Sorry. I'm... →

Intern RoboSaurus writes… I normally expect better things out of Develop. They normally don’t do the misleading headline thing, IMHO. This one bothered me, however: LucasArts helpless as another key man walks out Helpless? Doesn’t that suggest that LucasArts was actively trying to prevent Blackman from leaving? I hope that someone actually conducts some investigative...

Kotaku's Revenue Model: Find Picture. Post... →

Allow me to introduce Intern Ridiculous Name Here. He likes words. I know it might seem pedantic to take an infographic to task, but this latest cross-post from Special K’s Owen-everyone-hours-of-their-life-back Good (That’ll never catch on - Ed.) is actually pretty endemic of what’s wrong with the site’s approach to journalism. Hear me out (or stone me to death, but preferably the former),...

The science behind StarCraft II →

Intern Scoggins drops some science on those assembled. Spoiler alert: there is none. Scientists from real universities have weighed in on StarCraft II. Then the author of said article, a Mr. Andrew Groen, takes the answers given to him and then spins them so it doesn’t feel like such a colossal fucking waste of time. “But is it likely that the DNA of species separated by half a...

This blog and what it means to me. And stuff.

The Game Journo who wrote “Hello, I’m a games journalist” returns to offer you a second helping of stuff. Which is nice of him. Or her. Except he’s a him. This blog is practically everything collectively that I cannot stand. Not only is it harsh, real and completely fresh all of the time; it is most scary when you realise how quickly it changes. I went from harmless...

The following article was written by Intern Mighty Max, whose name is not actually Max. I can’t vouch for his mightiness, either. It’s been a source of eternal puzzlement and, if I’m honest, frustration to me for as long as I’ve been reading games blogs as to why Kotaku is so popular - the most popular games blog on the internet, apparently. Kotaku is, as has been shown before, the...

“I played the video game version of Clash of the Titans for around seven hours...”

– Joystiq: Review: Clash of the Titans [July 29th, 2010] I admire him for openly admitting he didn’t finish the game, but deplore him for deciding to review it anyway. Even worse is his idea that the unwritten rule of “play to completion” shouldn’t have to apply to him because...

“A new StarCraft and a new Civilization in the same year? This is, indeed, a...”

– Destructoid: Civilization V’s box art is a big step up [July 29th, 2010] This guy asked that very question thirteen days ago, and he’s written for a number of publications including PC World, PC World and PC World. You’re welcome, Jordie.

Platform Nation. Worms Reloaded. Press release.... →

But of course, as we all know, it’s perfectly acceptable to include a press release in an article if it isn’t available for viewing elsewhere, so really Platform Nation haven’t done anything wrHOLY SHIT A PRESS RELEASE. With… really bad embedded music on it. Yikes. Apparently Lunch PR are operating their services from fifteen years in the past. Alright, Platform Nation....

“Worms Reloaded is just a rehash of the XBLA/PSN games. Sorry, they call it an...”

– Destructoid: Fail: Worms Reloaded is just a rehash of XBLA/PSN games [February 25th, 2010] Actually, Team17 did release a new Worms game in all that time. They released two, actually. The first was Worms: Open Warfare 2 for the PSP and Nintendo DS, and it was pretty good. The second is called Worms...

"StarCraft II with PlayStation Move Support would... →

Behold, Intern RoboSaurus: don’t know where to begin. My Glod, can someone explain to me how the fuck this gets approved? And I quote: Even though it probably will never happen or at least won’t happen in the near future due to the fact that Blizzard is mainly PC only, how awesome would it be if the series came to the PS3? Better yet how about it came with PlayStation move support? Shit...

I Wish I Knew Anything About StarCraft →

ambernichols: Because this would have been much easier to write. Oh well, I learned a lot. Nice. Well done, Kotaku. get an intern who doesn’t know anything about the game in question to write an article about its first expansion pack. Bonus points for having her write an article that basically boils down to “What new stuff will it bring to the game? Nobody knows! But here’s...

“You could argue that [Guitar Hero: Warriors of Rock] isn’t regressive;...”

– Joystiq: Preview: Guitar Hero Warriors of Rock [July 29th, 2010] Throughout this preview, Andrew complains about various aspects of the game. he nitpicks and whines and moans and complains, and then he says it’s “not a bad game”. This entire preview feels like it was written by an...

Joystiq’s StarCraft II review - Reader Opinions #2

Here’s another email I received from a reader on the subject of Joystiq’s StarCraft II review. Two things to note about that StarCraft II review Joystiq put out, one that you sort of mentioned at the end - I see you noticed how it was out so early, far earlier than any other professional review site. I’m sure you also noticed Joystiq recently started using scores on their...

VG247 post bullshit, do very bad job of covering... →

Update II: Ah. Yes. Well. I’m a moron, I suppose. What should have simply been an article about VG247 whitewashing a story has instead inflated into a Big Fat Nothing simply because I didn’t pay proper attention. Still, again, the story is presented as is as a testament to my fucked-up’dness… although I’ve put a line through the shit bit you should ignore, as per the...

“Starcraft is back and game forums are throbbing with excitement. It’s...”

– Guardian.co.uk: Starcraft 2 touches down: has it been a smooth landing? [July 28th, 2010] Twenty-four hours in the grumbles appear to be that “there’s no local area network (LAN) support,” which at this point is year-old news, and that the game only contains a campaign for one...

Joystiq's StarCraft II review - Reader Opinions #1

A few readers have been in touch with me to say their piece about Joystiq’s decidedly prompt review of StarCraft II, and today I’ll be publishing some of them. Let’s start with this one… Do you get the feeling that sometimes game critics get a bit too carried away by the hype? Not that I’m saying Starcraft II is a bad or mediocre game. I’m sure it’s...

“Blizzard didn’t change StarCraft, because StarCraft didn’t need...”

– Joystiq: Review: StarCraft 2: Wings of Liberty [July 28th, 2010] Really? Oh! Well I guess Joystiq’s readers would appreciate saving $50 by picking up the StarCraft Battle Chest for $9.99. I mean, if StarCraft II is identical to StarCraft then why buy the new game when the original is...

Yet ANOTHER misleading headline! At least this one... →

No, this one is about Mass Effect Galaxy for the iPhone. Here’s the AppGamer headline: Mass Effect Galaxy Was “A Big Mistake” Admits BioWare And here’s BioWare founder Greg Zeschuk’s quote on the matter: Oh, I think it [Mass Effect: Galaxy] was very worth attempting. Even when something’s not as successful as you’d like, you can take some lessons...

Another misleading "Lost Vikings in StarCraft II"... →

G4’s headline is “Lost Vikings Appear In StarCraft 2” which we all know by now is absolute bollocks. Even more ridiculous is this closing paragraph: Sadly, Starcraft 2’s Lost Vikings is not a direct port of the original game. Instead, it’s a vertical scrolling space shooter arcade game. I get that the SNES The Lost Vikings wouldn’t fit in with the sci-fi...

Kotaku posts an excerpt from Bashcraft's "Japanese... →

Annoyingly, I know someone who would read this book.

Games Journalists Are Cool Dudes

True story. I think Ben’s heart is definitely in the right place. He isn’t just shitting on people’s work because he gets a kick out of it. Who knows, perhaps publicly naming and shaming all these examples of bad words about games might encourage some outlets to think twice before posting such bollocks. However. I’ve had enough of this negativity, lets do the opposite...

“Blacklight: Tango Down is almost a great multi-player game. It feels like it...”

– Kotaku: Blacklight: Tango Down Review: Get Down, Get Down [July 28th, 2010] This is just one terribly-written paragraph in a wholly terribly-written review. It’s sloppy, full of nonsense sentences that don’t go anywhere, and, as Cicholas Nage put it in a tweet to me, “It reads...

“There is no news on Kirby’s Epic Yarn. I don’t have a preview for...”

– Destructoid: Kirby is made of string in Kirby’s Epic Yarn [July 28th, 2010] Huge thanks to Herp Derp Sterling and Nick Chester for mocking me on Twitter in discussion of this post by Herp Derp Sterling and so bringing it to my attention so I can mock it properly. Like so: It’s shit. ...

“Who doesn’t hate Brian Ashcraft on Kotaku? Use this script to block his...”

– “BashCraft is Creepy” plug-in for Firefox and Chrome This may the single greatest innovation in human history.

What's more ridiculous - that Kotaku posted this... →

On the plus side, this is, I think, the first article by Aulistar Mark I’ve featured from Kotaku. So that’s nice.

Eurogamer decided that NOW is the time to tell us... →

Is this Eurogamer’s fault? Or the fault of CVG’s Tim Ingham for posting this article about expanding the WWE brand? Who knows? And furthermore, who cares? (Also, I get a real kick out of THQ describing WWE Smackdown VS. Raw as a “simmy” wrestling game. Presumably the Career mode will feature script-reading mini-games and rehearsal/choreography side-quests prior to the...

EGMi looks terrible. →

It’s a weekly “digital magazine” which means it’s almost entirely Flash-based, contains out-of-date information, and is remarkably difficult to share with friends. Listen, check this out: If you want to post a link to a particular page on your blog, you can’t! Not directly, at least. Y’see, you have to use the “Share with Friend” feature. The...

And now, an article from Kotaku wondering if... →

Really, Kotaku? Seriously? Are you doing this shit intentionally now?