Game Journalists Are Incompetent Fuckwits: Archive

Game Journalists Are Incompetent Fuckwits

December 2011

41 posts

“The continuing saga of the Avenger Controller and Paul Christoforo...”

Man spends too long trying to look up a virtual... →

I am genuinely worried about Bashcraft’s obsession with Japanese erotica.

“Microsoft has announced a new Xbox 360 SKU [for Japan] that will surprisingly be...”

– Hooked Gamers, Mark Barkley: Microsoft Unveils New Xbox 360 SKU [Dec 27th, 2011] Oh no! Microsoft have opted not to include a costly accessory in a new bundle for a territory in which the console has traditionally performed exceptionally poorly! This is shocking news! I am genuinely surprised!

“The performance problems [in the PC version of Saints Row: The Third] appear to...”

– Joystiq, Arthur Gies: More than a few graphical issues for some Saints Row: The Third players [Dec 26th, 2011] Yes, don’t ask Arthur about DxDiag. It’s only his job to report on gaming news. It’s not his job to know basic shit about playing games on a PC.

“The next Xbox - we’ll call it Xbox 720 for lack of a better name…”

– CVG: Xbox 720: Why it’s already here [Dec 26th, 2011] You used a better name right there. “The next Xbox”. Not only is it less shit, it’s… actually, that’s all you need it to be. Less shit. Please stop using lazy, lazy names for things that haven’t...

The next week is going to be decidedly hectic for me, so I probably won’t be posting on the blog much until after Christmas (although if I see something I can write about quickly I may well do that). Those of you with a concern for my well being may be interested to learn that my girlfriend and I will be moving out of our apartment very, very soon. Possibly as soon as this Wednesday. A huge...

Kotaku - "Hey guys! Guys! Look! Kim Jong Il is... →

Oh, wait. No it doesn’t.

“A few hours ago, December 17th began in Japan, and that means the PlayStation...”

– IGN, Greg Miller: Unboxing the PlayStation Vita [Dec 16th, 2011] Mother Teresa’s ballsack, look at that sentence. My old English teacher would weep openly after reading it. Thank fuck he’s dead. I mean, he’s probably dead. I haven’t looked into it.

“Spike, Geoff Keighley, and anybody else involved with this project should fuck...”

– QUOTED FOR TRUTH - We Hate Games: The Spike VGAs really are shit, aren’t they?

I can't believe how many game journalists are...

Nightmare Mode, which is usually a blog I actually like reading, accidentally said it best when they said this: We obviously can’t take this as a formal announcement, but considering that animators took the time to sneak it in there means something is going on. That’s the assumption - the animators put it in there, so it has to be a clue, right? Yeah? Guys? The answer: No, no, no. Stop...

“Naughty Dog has provided a few new details about its post-apocalyptic PS3...”

– CVG, Tamoor Hussain: The Last of Us gets Enslaved lead designer, doesn’t star Ellen Page [Dec 12th, 2011] Okay. Sure. Let’s do this.

“That does look a lot like Ellen Page in The Last of Us. Safe to assume she’ll be...”

– VG247, Johnny Cullen: Ellen Page not involved with The Last of Us, Enslaved design lead on board [Dec 12th, 2011] I don’t think anybody who suggested that Ellen Page was in The Last of Us - myself included - was making the suggestion seriously, but thanks for the tip, JoCul.

CVG couldn't let the trailer for "The Last of Us"... →

…thus proving once and for all that they are, in fact, 15 year-old girls on LiveJournal.

Kotaku's Luke Plunkett writes article opening with... →

Oh, Kotaku. Don’t ever change. Unless that change is from an active website to an inactive one, then you can change all you like, obviously.

“Look at how most of those headlines say that he’s retiring, THEN mention he’s...”

– QUOTED FOR TRUTH: Lvl of Detail, Jad: Stepping Down? [Dec 8th 211] THis more or less sums up the high levels of mental retardation that occurred across the field when Miyamoto told Wired he wasn’t going to retire, which everybody saw as an announcement that he’s going to retire. Jesus....

Incidentally, for an example of how the VGAs... →

This is literally everything you need to know about the VGAs. Anything else is just masturbatory.

Any sites that report that BioWare is working on...

I’m taking a firm motherfucking stand on this one. If the names “BioWare Victory” and “Victory Games” don’t both appear in your coverage, then do me a favour and call yourself a shit-eating douche canoe. It’ll save me the trouble later on.

“Namco Bandai have announced Tekken Tag Tournament 2 for a release in 2012. ...”

– Hooked Gamers, Mark Barley: Tekken Tag Tournament 2 Announced [Dec 10th, 2011] Yes, I know: once again someone at Hooked Gamers demonstrates only the most tenuous understanding of what’s going on. If correspondent Mark Barley had done his research (and by that I mean typed “tekken tag...

“That’s the thing about The Elder Scrolls V: Skyrim; even the game’s...”

– Kotaku, Brian Crecente: Skyrim’s Flying Louis Letrush and His Amazing Bear Flambeau [Dec 10th, 2011] Sucking a triple-A game’s cock for its strengths simply isn’t enough these days. You have to tickle its balls too; talk about how incredible the immersion-destroying glitches are. Also,...

Normal Service Resumes Monday

That means game journalists have a whole weekend to post whatever bullshit they’d like. “CALL OF DUTY 9: WE HAVEN’T PLAYED IT YET - WHY IT’S OUR 2012 GAME OF THE YEAR” “YOSHI FACE SPOTTED IN YOGURT, SORT OF” “WHAT ROCKSTEADY CAN LEARN FROM MARIOKART 7”

Going quiet for a bit.

Well, this puts a crimp on my recent reinvigoration - my Internet has been disconnected, so I won’t be able to update the blog for a while. “But Ben!” I pretend I can hear you say, “You’re on the Internet right now!” This is true, imaginary reader, but I’m using the Tumblr app on my mobile phone. You try reading 400+ news stories in an rss reader on a...

G4's The Feed posts about a game-breaking glitch... →

No, really. In fact, they mention the possibility of patching the game not once but twice. First: Nintendo is aware of the situation but sadly there is not a solution, nor is there any indication a patch will ever be issued. Then, after copy-pasting Nintendo’s suggested method of avoiding the bug, this: Needless to say this is an unfortunate situation for Zelda fans. I’m a little...

THQ tell AusGamer that they'll be announcing... →

Developers and publishers are always about to announce something or other. I still don’t understand why this sort of thing counts as newsworthy. But then, maybe I just don’t “get it.” Right, journos? You know what I’m talking about.

Kotaku presents a list of "Games for People Who... →

Here’s the list, simplified for ease of digestion: Games for consoles. Two (two!) PC games. A handheld game. A board game. Oh, those PC games Totilo mentions? One of them is Skyrim, which must be activated on Steam before you can even install the thing, and the other is Batman: Arkham City, which must be activated online during installation and after you run it for the first time (which...

“Will Minecraft 2 Look Like This?”

– Headline for this Kotaku article detailing leaked footage from an apparently in-development sequel to,.. Oh, wait. No. Sorry. It’s a fan video. Bashcraft even says as much in the second paragraph of his post. Still, you can’t blame me for getting the wrong idea considering that...

A fan did a half-hearted, not-quite-accurate,... →

My favourite part? This (bold emphasis mine): This attempt is fantastic; I love it, because it proves that it can’t be that impossible to put a fresh coat of gloss on FFVII, provided there’s a decent team handling the overhaul. Props to the dedicated fan who’s taking a crack at this and oh, Square Enix…? Pay attention. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA.

Ch-ch-ch-ch-Changes

Oh look, I’ve changed the blog’s name. Again. Yawn. Except - oh, look! - it’s been changed back to the name that was chosen in a moment of rage-induced frustration nearly two years ago! The name that resulted in hate mail, angry tweets, a short-lived parody blog, and calm suggestions from well-meaning folk who thought I should “tone it down a little.” I did tone it...

“Despite [South Park Let’s Go Tower Defense Play!’s] simplistic...”

– Game Informer #225 pg54, Dan Ryckert: South Park’s Gaming Timeline Anyone who’s played Chef’s Luv Shack knows this is actually bollocks, which is doubly embarrassing because the article this quote is from actually mentions Chef’s Luv Shack.

“Earlier this year voice actress Ellen McLain, who is the voice of Portal’s...”

– CVG, Tamoor Hussain: Half-Life 3 logo spotted on “Valve employee” t-shirt [December 2nd, 2011] Was she? Was she really? No, it turns out. There is not a single mention of Half-Life 3. Not one. No connection was made by McLain’s husband nor by Andy Robinson, who wrote the post...