Oy. A year and a half after I dissected Greg Miller’s, frankly, embarrassing review of Dead Space 2, and to this day I still get comments and emails from people telling me I’m wrong without really elaborating on why that might be. Which is fine, because much like talking about feminism brings out people people who describe themselves as “Men’s Rights Activists” thus making it easier to identify them as morons, anyone who comes to the defense of Greggy’s Dead Space 2 review is, basically, yeah.

Today’s activity takes the biscuit, though, earning it a much-coveted spot in the “hate mail” tag.

A reader by the name of Mike Chambers “happened to end up at this page somehow”, recognized a few angry words from his own limited vocabulary, and decided to leave a comment explaining that:

Seriously, it’s just a video game review. Are there more well-written game articles out there than this? Yes. Is it worth dedicating a huge write-up to nitpick every paragraph? No. Greg got his opinion of the game across and for the most part explained why he felt that way, which is what he’s paid to do.

Get off his case, and go do something more constructive. I can’t believe anybody would spend so much time on this. Does it really bother you that much? Wow.

If he has to ask if it really bothers me that much, he obviously hasn’t read the rest of the blog.

He also preempted my typical “pfft, Greg Miller fanboys, eh?” retort by stating that he isn’t a Greg Miller fanboy. I guess he thought doing that would leave me without any ammunition. Again, not a reglear rahd dese pahts.

I posited that writing a comment on a year-and-a-half old article he thinks is a waste of time is probably not a fantastic use of time in itself, told him he didn’t have any actual arguments in his post other than ad hominem attacks, wished him a good summer, and then banned him from leaving more comments because, y’know, fuck him.

At this point, he decided to do two things.

One of the things he did - and I’m listing these in no particular order, by the way - was to leave another comment (this time logging in to Disqus using his Facebook account to get around the ban) outlining… well, outlining basically the exact same points he’d made previously:

Mmmm, I like how you banned my Google login here. You seem upset. Anyway, my comment took me about 30 seconds to write, while your article looks like you wasted at least 30 minutes on it.

I didn’t make any detailed arguments because frankly, I don’t give enough of a shit to bother arguing a case for something this obvious. (Or give enough of a shit in general) I don’t feel like wasting the amount of time doing it as you did writing it to begin with.

I’m not sitting here crying about poor Greggy or anything like that. I happened to end up at this page somehow, and just thought you sounded dumb to moan about this kind of inconsequential thing. I agree it’s not a very well-written review, I just said it gets the point across well enough about how he likes the game. Just seems pointless to waste a webpage writing about it.

So apparently it’s okay to waste time writing about shit on the internet that doesn’t matter, so long as you don’t spend a lot of time doing it. Fantastic. Wish I’d gotten that memo in two-thousand-and-fucking-ten.

He closed his comment like so:

You can ban this login too if you want, but it’s not really necessary because I have better things to do than continue arguing over one of the most asinine webpages I’ve ever come across by a guy sitting at a desk full of Cheetos crumbs getting angry at video game reviews.

It was nice of him to give me permission to ban him again, but I didn’t really need it. I was going to do that anyway. I mean, I’d be doing him a favour, right? Wouldn’t want him wasting more time on “one of the most asinine webpages [he’s] ever come across”.

Speaking of coming across things, the other thing he did was particularly amusing. You may want to be sitting down for this one (if you’re already sitting, please stand, then sit again).

Are you ready for this?

Okay.

He signed me up for two (2) gay porn mailing lists.

Why he thought this would annoy me, an out bisexual man with a noted interest in cock and cock-related activities, is beyond me. Perhaps the biggest kicker of them all is that one of the two mailing lists he’s signed me up for appears to be a paid subscription.

So thank you, Mike Chambers. Whenever I jerk it to one of these emails, I shall remember who footed the bill, and I will smile. Perhaps one day we’ll get to meet face to face, and I’ll get to shake your hand. I promise to wash it first.