Game Journalists Are Incompetent Fuckwits

Look at me! I’m making things! benpaddon: PortsCenter...

Wed, 20 Mar 2013 13:32:42 -0700

Look at me! I’m making things!

PortsCenter returns from its brief hiatus to bring you a look at one of the biggest arcade games of the 90s, running on a computer that really isn’t up to the challenge.

If you dig PortsCenter please consider subscribing to the YouTube channel. I love you! (Disclaimer: I may not actually love you. Terms and conditions apply.)

"Note: This article contains story spoilers for Shadow of the Colossus."

Sun, 23 Dec 2012 13:25:37 -0800

“Note: This article contains story spoilers for Shadow of the Colossus.”

- Robert Ramnauth, Nightmare Mode: “Characters that Count”

This, ladies and gentlemen, is how you do it right. Shadow of the Colossus came out eight years ago, and Robert has absolutely zero interest in spoiling it for anyone who either hasn’t played it yet or hasn’t finished it. As it should be. Nicely done, Robert.

Compare with how certain other websites handle spoilers.

Just a reminder that I’ll be attending the Geek Media Expo...

Wed, 12 Sep 2012 21:27:00 -0700

Just a reminder that I’ll be attending the Geek Media Expo in Nashville, TN in about a month and a half - October 26th-28th - as a special guest. Have they lost their minds? Quite possibly, but I hope to earn my place on their roster.

I’ll be giving a one-hour talk-y presentation-y thing on videogame ports, which may or may not require volunteers from the audience (I’m still up in the air on that one - do I use edited video footage of games, or have volunteers play the games on-stage?). I’ll also be participating in a Doctor Who panel, and another panel on webcomics - because, y’know, I write two webcomics.

It promises to be a great weekend. If you’re not interested in going to see me, perhaps you’ll go to see Doug Walker, Veronica Belmont, Rob Paulsen, Ellen McLain, Billy West, Amber Nash, or the Two Guys From Andromeda. They’ll all be there. With me. We’re on the same guest list and everything.

Crikey.

(Image via the portscenter Tumblr)

portscenter: LESS THAN 24 HOURS TO GO IN THE PORTSCENTER...

Tue, 28 Aug 2012 16:59:43 -0700

portscenter:

LESS THAN 24 HOURS TO GO IN THE PORTSCENTER KICKSTARTER!

Help us fund the complete series! It all depends on you!

portscenter: 4 Days Remain of the PortsCenter Kickstarter We...

Fri, 24 Aug 2012 21:31:26 -0700

portscenter:

4 Days Remain of the PortsCenter Kickstarter

We can’t make this show without your help! Head on over to the Kickstarter and pledge now. Every little helps!

portscenter: Heading to the Geek Media Expo this October? So is...

Tue, 07 Aug 2012 16:37:11 -0700

portscenter:

Heading to the Geek Media Expo this October? So is PortsCenter!

This year the fourth GMX takes place in Nashville, Tennessee. There are a number of cool guests with a ton of geek cred, including voice actors like Rob Paulsen and Billy West, actors such as Star Trek: Voyager’s Garrett Wang and Marilyn Ghigliotti of Clerks fame, and internet personalities such as “That Guy With the Glasses” Doug Walker.

Oh, and me. No, really.

Not only will I be at GMX this year, but I’ll also be hosting a one-hour presentation on videogame ports, looking at a few specific titles as well as going into a bit of the history of how, and why, some ports are so radically different from others. It’ll be a sort-of kitbash of PortsCenter, a stand-up comedy show, and a PowerPoint presentation.

I’ll also, in theory, be participating in a couple of Doctor Who panels as well.

GMX haven’t announced their schedule yet, but keep an eye on their programming page for updates. I’ll also be updating this post with details once they’re available.

See you in Nashville!

portscenter: The PortsCenter Kickstarter is now live We’re...

Wed, 25 Jul 2012 16:54:30 -0700

portscenter:

The PortsCenter Kickstarter is now live

We’re trying to raise $4,200 to produce a 13-episode season. Haven’t seen the pilot yet? Go ahead and watch it now - [Clean version] [Sweary version]

We have some awesome rewards in place, including signed headshots from voice actor Dino Andrade (Batman: Arkham Asylum, World of Warcraft, Hellsing Ultimate) and an exclusive yet-to-be-revealed cart from the wonderful team over at 72Pins.com.

We also have stretch goals in mind, but more on those as we approach our base target.

If you’re able to help us reach our goal, please consider pledging. You can also help us by reblogging this post and sharing the link on Twitter, Facebook, Google+, and so on.

Thanks!

A little shameless self-promotion, here. If you can help fund this project, you’ll win my adoration and respect. Well, my adoration, at least. Well… maybe.

A follow-up to "Fuck Videogames" has been posted over at The DamnLag

Wed, 27 Jun 2012 14:38:17 -0700

A follow-up to "Fuck Videogames" has been posted over at The DamnLag:

I address some of the criticism I’ve received for the post, and elaborate a little on some of the points I made.

Thanks, Mike Chambers!

Fri, 22 Jun 2012 22:51:00 -0700

Oy. A year and a half after I dissected Greg Miller’s, frankly, embarrassing review of Dead Space 2, and to this day I still get comments and emails from people telling me I’m wrong without really elaborating on why that might be. Which is fine, because much like talking about feminism brings out people people who describe themselves as “Men’s Rights Activists” thus making it easier to identify them as morons, anyone who comes to the defense of Greggy’s Dead Space 2 review is, basically, yeah.

Today’s activity takes the biscuit, though, earning it a much-coveted spot in the “hate mail” tag.

A reader by the name of Mike Chambers “happened to end up at this page somehow”, recognized a few angry words from his own limited vocabulary, and decided to leave a comment explaining that:

Seriously, it’s just a video game review. Are there more well-written game articles out there than this? Yes. Is it worth dedicating a huge write-up to nitpick every paragraph? No. Greg got his opinion of the game across and for the most part explained why he felt that way, which is what he’s paid to do.

Get off his case, and go do something more constructive. I can’t believe anybody would spend so much time on this. Does it really bother you that much? Wow.

If he has to ask if it really bothers me that much, he obviously hasn’t read the rest of the blog.

He also preempted my typical “pfft, Greg Miller fanboys, eh?” retort by stating that he isn’t a Greg Miller fanboy. I guess he thought doing that would leave me without any ammunition. Again, not a reglear rahd dese pahts.

I posited that writing a comment on a year-and-a-half old article he thinks is a waste of time is probably not a fantastic use of time in itself, told him he didn’t have any actual arguments in his post other than ad hominem attacks, wished him a good summer, and then banned him from leaving more comments because, y’know, fuck him.

At this point, he decided to do two things.

One of the things he did - and I’m listing these in no particular order, by the way - was to leave another comment (this time logging in to Disqus using his Facebook account to get around the ban) outlining… well, outlining basically the exact same points he’d made previously:

Mmmm, I like how you banned my Google login here. You seem upset. Anyway, my comment took me about 30 seconds to write, while your article looks like you wasted at least 30 minutes on it.

I didn’t make any detailed arguments because frankly, I don’t give enough of a shit to bother arguing a case for something this obvious. (Or give enough of a shit in general) I don’t feel like wasting the amount of time doing it as you did writing it to begin with.

I’m not sitting here crying about poor Greggy or anything like that. I happened to end up at this page somehow, and just thought you sounded dumb to moan about this kind of inconsequential thing. I agree it’s not a very well-written review, I just said it gets the point across well enough about how he likes the game. Just seems pointless to waste a webpage writing about it.

So apparently it’s okay to waste time writing about shit on the internet that doesn’t matter, so long as you don’t spend a lot of time doing it. Fantastic. Wish I’d gotten that memo in two-thousand-and-fucking-ten.

He closed his comment like so:

You can ban this login too if you want, but it’s not really necessary because I have better things to do than continue arguing over one of the most asinine webpages I’ve ever come across by a guy sitting at a desk full of Cheetos crumbs getting angry at video game reviews.

It was nice of him to give me permission to ban him again, but I didn’t really need it. I was going to do that anyway. I mean, I’d be doing him a favour, right? Wouldn’t want him wasting more time on “one of the most asinine webpages [he’s] ever come across”.

Speaking of coming across things, the other thing he did was particularly amusing. You may want to be sitting down for this one (if you’re already sitting, please stand, then sit again).

Are you ready for this?

Okay.

He signed me up for two (2) gay porn mailing lists.

Why he thought this would annoy me, an out bisexual man with a noted interest in cock and cock-related activities, is beyond me. Perhaps the biggest kicker of them all is that one of the two mailing lists he’s signed me up for appears to be a paid subscription.

So thank you, Mike Chambers. Whenever I jerk it to one of these emails, I shall remember who footed the bill, and I will smile. Perhaps one day we’ll get to meet face to face, and I’ll get to shake your hand. I promise to wash it first.

Perspectiva Cenital translates "Fuck Videogames" into Spanish

Wed, 20 Jun 2012 09:47:19 -0700

Perspectiva Cenital translates "Fuck Videogames" into Spanish:

My rage is now bilingual.

Fuck Videogames

Thu, 14 Jun 2012 19:53:00 -0700

Fuck videogames.

Fuck developers. Fuck them for not giving a shit about their consumers. Fuck them for instating draconian DRM that seems to get worse and worse every year. Fuck them for requiring people have an always-on connection to the internet in order to play a fucking single-player game. Fuck developers for paying voice actors as little as $250 for voicing the principal character in their AAA game, for not paying residuals, and for convicing SAG that they don’t need to pay residuals because “games don’t make money.” Fuck developers for not giving a fuck. Fuck developers for slapping a new coat of paint on an old game and selling it at full price. Fuck them for doing this every year, like clockwork, for the better part of two decades. Fuck developers for not taking risks.

Fuck publishers for mandating developers do much of the above. Fuck publishers for pushing for annualization, for ruining great ideas by interfering with them, for not letting developers take risks, for killing great games’ potential with awful, awful marketing. Fuck publishers for not asking CryTek UK to make a new TimeSplitters game. Fuck publishers for charging $60+ for games that lose 70% of their value as soon as you walk out of the store with them, then having the temerity to blame used game sales for “destroying the industry.” Fuck publishers for buying developers, gutting them of their resources and culture, then shuttering them when their next game isn’t the runaway success you inexplicably expected it to be. Fuck publishers for milking franchises to death, for over-saturating the market, then acting shocked when people don’t want to buy your games anymore.

Fuck videogame journalists for letting developers and publishers get away with this shit. Fuck videogame news sites, blogs and magazines for being so utterly dependent on ad revenue that they daren’t say anything negative lest the publishers pull their advertising. Fuck them for being so dependent on ad revenue they’ll post anything, anything to get pageviews. Fuck videogame journalists who actually consider themselves to be journalists. Fuck critics who think 7 out of 10 is an appropriate score for a mediocre game. Fuck critics who wax lyrical about a game throughout a review only to include it in their “Most Disappointing Games of the Year” list come December. Fuck videogame journalists for hooting and hollering like drunken fratboys during press conferences and trade shows. Fuck the gaming press for being part of the machine they’re supposed to be reporting on.

Fuck gamers. Fuck gamers for vocally complaining about this bullshit but doing absolutely nothing about it. Fuck gamers for complaining about DRM in one breath, then offering developers your money in the next. Fuck gamers for acting like they give a shit, but then voting in favour of the shit they claim to give a shit about with their wallets. Fuck gamers for not demanding better. Fuck gamers for not deserving better.

Fuck me for thinking they did. Fuck me for imagining that maybe someone else out there actually gave a fuck. Fuck me for writing this, for giving the games industry so much of my money over the last twenty years, and for thinking that maybe things could - and would - improve in time.

Fuck videogames.

"So now what? Crytek is left to absorb flak for something they never said thanks to a case of..."

Mon, 30 Apr 2012 22:52:16 -0700

“So now what? Crytek is left to absorb flak for something they never said thanks to a case of quotemining? Is that how the game journalism industry works?”

- QUOTED FOR TRUTH: Jeroen Amin, Piki Geek: Editorial: On Crytek, Opinions, and Official Statements [April 30th, 2012]

More to the point, is this how we want it to work? Is this what we’re content with? Because it seems very much that we are, and that’s perhaps even more depressing.

Read this article. It’s heartbreaking to anybody who actually gives a shit about games as opposed to, y’know, pageviews.

Jesus Fucking Christ, why didn't anybody tell me about Good Games Writing?

Sun, 15 Apr 2012 01:01:04 -0700

Jesus Fucking Christ, why didn't anybody tell me about Good Games Writing?:

If the general negativity, cynicism and third-thing of the two years’ worth of material on this blog have left you in a bit of a tissy about the state of videogame journalism, you might want to consider following Good Games Writing to be the antidote.

They’re highlighting the crème de la crème of vidjamagame jarnlzms, and they’re doing a bloody good job of it too. Though I don’t necessarily agree with every post they’ve made over the last three months (which begs the question - why didn’t any of you fuckers tell me about this three fucking months ago?).

Anyway, this blog is still done with. I just wanted to spread the word about a ray of sunshine. You may continue weeping openly, as I’m sure you have been doing for the last three months solid.

Thank you.

Mon, 16 Jan 2012 13:20:00 -0800

Thank you.

Kotaku - Guys don't dance and they certainly aren't gay

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 18:05:14 -0800

Kotaku - Guys don't dance and they certainly aren't gay:

notasenator:

I’m a big fan of dancing in many forms. I also really like Harmonix games, so info about the Dance Central line tends to catch my eye. This Kotaku article is titled “On Playing Dance Central 2 While Male”. Now, I expected a bit of ridiculous gender role stereotyping about how silly guys look playing the game, but here’s the first half of the article:

Recently my friend, who for this article we’ll call “Dan,” was over at my apartment for beers and video games. We’d gone through most of the big fall releases—I showed him some craziness from Saints Row: The Third, got across the gist of Catherine, and played some (shockingly fun) split-screen Modern Warfare 3 spec-ops. The Kinect had gotten a go as well, and we’d laughed our way through several levels of Gunstringer and gotten our asses kicked by the surprisingly difficult Child of Eden.

“You know, I’ve got Dance Central 2 here, let’s play that!” I said, pointing to the shiny, colorful box of Harmonix’s Kinect-only dancing game.

“Sure,” Dan said, though in retrospect he was doubtless entirely unsure what he was getting himself into. And so we played Dance Central 2, two dorky bros in the mid-afternoon, standing in front of the TV and swinging our hips to “Toxic” and “Bad Romance.” It was funny, it was dumb; it was uniquely uncomfortable.

After we played for a little while, we took a break to have a beer and Dan remarked to me, “Man, that game is kind of uncomfortable for straight guys!” (I’m paraphrasing—he said it much more thoughtfully than that.)

I agreed, because I knew what he meant—I mean, one plays Dance Central by dancing. It requires an entirely different sort of physical interaction than most other video games. It was as though Dan and I had been sitting around pondering what to do and one of us had said, “You know what? Let’s go dancing together, just you and me!” Suffice to say, that is not something either of us would likely ever suggest. We’re fairly boring.

This was not about being male. This was about being gay. The game made them uncomfortable because as straight men, they shouldn’t be dancing, especially not dancing in the presence of other men.

He goes on to lift quotes from a Gamasutra article (and a very good one, talking about the unique connection the game brings to your sense of identity and self-expression), but never ties it in with the issues of his sexuality that made him uncomfortable in the first place. If he wasn’t shooting something from a car window or doing something else undoubtedly male, he got unsettled because then it was kind of gay. The article is just littered with terminology that supports his straight identity - the games he lists at the beginning (Saint’s Row, MW3, the extremely hetero Catherine), the break after playing Dance Central to have some beers…

Later, he says that he feels uncomfortable about it because he’s “straight-laced” and isn’t prone to expressing himself through dance. And that’s a cool thing that the Gamasutra article hits on. But almost everything in his article that’s not just reviewing his source is instead giving off the impression that dancing is gay.

Read the Gamasutra article, and I think you will see that Kirk Hamilton either missed the point or expressed it really poorly.

I don’t hate Kirk Hamilton - in fact, I don’t hate anyone, despite what you may think - but if he were to fall down the stairs breaking his arms and legs in the process I’d have a tough time feeling sorry for him.

NAS’ response is right on the nose. I wish I’d written it. Nicely done.

The best part about that “Kotaku Commenters Do Not Suck” article? They emailed it to...

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 17:46:13 -0800

The best part about that “Kotaku Commenters Do Not Suck” article? They emailed it to their newsletter subscribers. Wow. Talk about insecure.

Kotaku deeply upset that anyone would call therir commenters anything other than intelligent, incisive, SEXY individuals.

Fri, 13 Jan 2012 17:40:44 -0800

Kotaku deeply upset that anyone would call therir commenters anything other than intelligent, incisive, SEXY individuals.:

It is absolutely hilarious watching them post shit like this. It’s like watching a Republican Presidential candidate trying to maintain their integrity, or listening to Nickelback talk about how great their new album is.

Is Special K falling apart without Crecente? Has the madness finally taken them all? It sure as fuck seems that way.

Kotaku launches new version of their site that focuses solely on actual gaming news, doesn't really seem to understand why they've done it.

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 13:51:35 -0800

Kotaku launches new version of their site that focuses solely on actual gaming news, doesn't really seem to understand why they've done it.:

It’s been a long time coming, but Kotaku have made a version of their site that features gaming news exclusively - Kotaku Core. Finally, a version of the site that doesn’t bombard you with irrelevant bullshit about Japan, or medical science, or whatever!

Still, our good friend Stephen Totilo appears to have absolutely no idea why people have been asking for this very thing. In the post announcing Kotaku Core, Totes writes:

Kotaku Core readers will only see stories about video games themselves. You won’t see stories about the culture surrounding video games. You’ll see more stories about products, fewer stories about people; more stories about what a game company wants to sell you next, fewer feature stories, fewer stories about crime, politics, life and death.

Right, yeah, no. Look, people weren’t complaining about the posts that looked at game culture. Those are fine. I don’t have a problem with those. It’s posts like this one about a man who died kind-of sort-of near an arcade in Japan, or this one about a man trying to hold up a Toys R Us with two plastic lightsabers, or this one about Alec Baldwin using Twitter. These posts have nothing to do with gamer culture. You’d have to have suffered serious cranial trauma to think that posts like these somehow relate to videogames.

(The first person who suggests the lightsaber thing should get a pass because there have been Star Wars games gets a free umbrellenema, which is exactly what it sounds like.)

Congratulations on finally doing the right thing, Kotaku, but a sincere, wholehearted Fuck You for entirely missing the point of why people have been asking for it.

This GJAIF post from the tail end of 2010 is worth revisiting.

Thu, 12 Jan 2012 01:19:50 -0800

This GJAIF post from the tail end of 2010 is worth revisiting.:

Cheers to reader John Magnum for leaving a comment on the post and reminding me it existed.

semprafi: Kotaku: “Dead Rising Creator Keiji Inafune Hurt...

Wed, 11 Jan 2012 11:18:45 -0800

semprafi:

Kotaku: “Dead Rising Creator Keiji Inafune Hurt Himself. He’ll Be Okay!”, January 10th, 2011

Take everything I said just yesterday about Bashcraft’s ongoing penchant for incredible non-news posts, and reapply it here. Again.

Also, yes, in case you were wondering, this whole “blip” and “quick bite” thing that became prevalent last year is still in the upper echelons of lazy games journalism. Don’t use what amounts to a glorified Tweet as a news article.

No, right, ‘cos… ‘cos this is obviously a promo for, like, Super Muscle Pull Panic!, or something. PS3 exclusive, I reckon. Sounds like it’ll be fun.

Christ.